Currently Listening Coco By Colbie Caillat see related

The longer and harder I search for a potential job/career path/something to do for next year/source of inspiration, the more I feel my skills disintegrating. When I first started, I felt as if I could do any task: program administration, consulting, research, writing newsletters, lifting a car with one finger, making pigs fly...you know, anything. But the more I look, the more I can see that the qualifications needed for "administering" anything is at least five years of previous experience, possibly a masters degree. How has it come to this? Like you can go to college for four entire years and only be able to find an unpaid internship entering numbers into databases? Or working as a waitress/in clothing retail/something else equally meaningless. I mean, today I found one job, entitled "Admission Intern Associate" that was for $12 an hour at an undisclosed NGO in Washington DC, which required a bachelors degree as well as two years minimum previous experience. Are we joking?

I guess it is too much of me to think that I am capable of doing a job with a description other than: "answer phones", "coordinate logistics," or "support administrative associate." It is just nothing. Like being paid to do absolutely nothing. It is no wonder no one wants to hire someone right out of college, the entire BA/BS population has been reduced in society to simple, meaningless drones that add no value to anyone. More of a liability than an asset. And with such simplified tasks, I wouldn't want to hire me either. Why does anyone need another person for the payroll? It is so frustrating.

I guess it is just in my nature to be ambitious. Like I don't think I would know what to do with myself if I were just doing nothing. And everyone is coming to this point where they have some pre-conceived notion about how they want to live the rest of their life. Where grades won't enter into the picture. Where it won't matter if you decided to be an english major or a science major or even to make up your own silly major. Those are just details. It's almost as if the playing field was leveled. Although I guess it is never really leveled anyway... But it's at this point where the "valevictorian" and the "class party animal" could both be competing for jobs, both have some sort of a vague plan for the future. What happens to them, it seems obvious, right? The Valevictorian gets some stellar job at a huge corporation getting millions of dollars, the PartyAnimal works at his/her hometown local liquor store, gaining weight. And they all come back for their high school reunion, like some cliche, where the Nerds are rich and the Popular girls have wrinkles. But in actuality, sometimes they are both in the exact same position. Unemployed, searching for life's meaning, eligible only for a low paying job. Like any achievements they have had in the past mean nothing, because it doesn't matter who you are, only who you know... but I guess I am just being cynical.

Currently Listening Rent (1996 Original Broadway Cast) By Jonathan Larson, Jeff Potter, Anthony Jackson, Daniel A. Weiss, Ira Siegel, Kenny Brescia, Steve Skinner, Adam Pascal, Aiko Nakasone, Anthony Rapp, Byron Utley, Daphne Rubin-Vega, Fredi Walker, Gilles Chiasson, Gwen Stewart, Idina Menzel, Jesse L. Martin, Kristen Lee Kelly, Rodney Hicks, Stevie Wonder, Taye Diggs, Timothy Britten Parker, Wilson Jermaine Heredia see related

Thoughts...

sometimes i get really excited when i think about all the people i have in my life and how exciting their lives are. everyone is doing their own thing right about now, and it's like we've grown up, but we actually have not at all. because we all look approximately the same, give or take a few new haircuts/wardrobes/freshman 15's, and we still laugh at the same jokes we made up five years ago, and we still interact in similar ways. but whatever. its both good and bad. we know the ways to get each other to feel mad, sad, glad, had. you know. but for the most part, change has been good. people are so interesting to talk to, especially when you once felt as if you were on the exact same level/page/understanding, and have since evolved into a completely different person, that you may or may not recognize.  the same person, i guess, just put in different situations. and what molds a personality more than the string of situations they have been put in, you know, in combination with their specific genetic patterns? its like, what happened to that person who i knew so well?

what i mean to say is: my friends will always have my past/my stories/my embarassing moments, to air or to gather into a cardboard box to collect dust for ten years, so we can laugh about them when they are long gone. when we have all moved on so much that our inane insecurities have, in fact, become the dust that we brush so carelessly away. and our mentality will change too. perhaps. it already has, i think, in some people. some people just realizing how to articulate what makes them happy, how to put words/expressions/names onto neurotic behaviors and unexplainable actions. my friends are fabulous, and i know that we are all doing so much more than just sitting around experiencing the chemical effects of alcohol/drugs and attempting to name it: "life." the world is meant for living, honestly, and being there for others when things suck, and sharing in their experiences even when you are so jealous that you can't stand it, and want to live vicariously through the snippets of what they are able to put into words. and your time for greatness will come, soon enough, when everything works out perfectly, effortlessly. when all look at you in jealousy. maybe it already has, and you didn't realize it, or that and it will again. it doesn't have to be a one time thing. "if you don't like something change it, if you can't change it, change the way you think about it." maybe i will take that advice, i found it on a rolled up piece of paper while i was cleaning my attic. on a safari through my family's past. mostly i found old books, clothes and photographs, but a few treasures too.

people are just people, and everyone is basically the same, in a lot of ways, just with different means of expression. and i know this, so why can't i realize it in every day interactions. meeting new people is enlightening, but sometimes there is nothing better than to go into a room and to realize that everyone there knows exactly who you are, and at least something minimal about you. and you don't need to explain things away, because they are just taken, as a given. i am so happy for everyone, because everyone is really coming into their own, and if they aren't there yet, they are definitely on the path. this past semester was very difficult for me, for a bunch of reasons, but in the end i handled it, i did it, i finished it. i made decisions along the way, i made progress, even if it felt like i was only ever moving backwards, i changed, i moved along. i have really great friends, and honestly that makes me feel so lucky. there is so much left to do, to see, to be, to become, to ....insert verb here. i need the mentality of confidence to be present at all times, no self doubt, just well articulated intelligence and poise. no more "i'm sorries" for being who i am. i am done caring about what other people think of me, or that they don't think of me. the important people in my life will be there for me. and they are fabulous, forever.

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, take me baby, or leave me. No way can I be who I am not..."

In an age when xanga has ceased to be a form of communication...

Life has started up again, and not in the way that I expected. I do have a lot to do,but yet lots of free time (something which I forgot existed when I was in DC for the summer). But currently, I feel like I am on summer vacation. Last night was random but fun. I went to 3 parties, a bar and a diner for breakfast at 4am. Oh college. The weekends seem long because I have friday's off. But it is going to pick up speed. Definitely soon. And right now I can afford to procrastinate/chill out. I need a challenge in my life, or else I don't feel like I am getting anything done. It is as if life can be defined by a line of challenges, as in, worrying about it/whether I can do it and then acheiving it, and feeling proud of myself for actually getting it done. In the past, it has mostly been about school work, or doing things independently. But I have acheived these challenges quite a few times, so I am in search of a new quest. A new challenge. Because school work isn't the be all and end all of life. Sometimes you just have to try new things, just to see if you like it or not. Ban fear. Coming back to school this year has been funny, because I realize that everyone here, by junior year, knows just about everyone else. Which is nice, because everyone now has houses and parties, and we don't need to worry about what we are doing really. It is also way more consolidated, of who I see/hang out with. Especially during the week, I feel like I don't see anyone, which is alienating at times. Except for informal hang outs, especially with my apartmentmates. But it is still the beginning of the semester, and no one has really gotten in the swing of things yet. We had a dinner party last night which was pretty much a success. A lot of people came, there was a bit of a problem with the food coming out on time, which stressed me out a little, because people kept being like "I'm hungry" but I guess that I was just worried too much about if everyone was having fun. It was like a responsibility. All my other suitemates were so happy about it, which made me feel guilty for having any reserves, and not being so enthusiastic.

Another thing. Sometimes it is really nice to be able to talk to people about every little thing that happens. But sometimes it is exhausting, like it forces you to think out things into words/ideas that can be understood by others, instead of the way it just fleetingly makes sense in your mind. I feel like I am constantly being expected to have full explanations for every action or thought that goes through my mind, like we need to talk about it all the time. Sometimes it makes me feel as if something is wrong with me, or that others want to diagnose me or "figure me out" instead of just accepting me for who I am. I think sometimes it makes me try to invent issues/justifications when in all honesty nothing is wrong. Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm not ok. I think another reason this bothers me so much is because it is so micro-important. I need to look at the big picture, the more important things in life, like global issues or something bigger than myself. I have dropped the ball on keeping up with current events, I want to get back on that. Once things begin to pick up, and school work/extra curricular activities/projects consume more time, I think things will get better. Busy-ness, though a little more stressful, makes people less concerned with themselves, and focused more on the task at hand.

All in all, my life is good. My major is starting to come together. Happiness ensues today, as it is Diana's birthday and we shall be celebrating!

A couple things:

Today the former presidential candidate of Afghanistan gave me a pair of jeans. Not just any pair of jeans, either. Bedazzled, embroidered, will never fit me even if I lose 75 pounds jeans that were indeed in Afghanistan less than 24 hours ago. And yes, it was personally. At my internship, we went to an orientation meeting for this program which will be held all over the US (DC, Salt Lake City, Houston, Raleigh) that brings Afghani leaders to America to teach them how to keep religion and religious diversity thriving when there is seperation between church and state. We walked in, with no clue of what to expect, or even any information about the program, and were shocked to see the stereotypical person from Afghanistan in our presense, let alone giving us gifts. Especially since we were sitting on the side, lowly interns who had nothing to do with the program. It was really interesting, and it enabled me to only have a half day of work, because when I got back I wasn't assigned any new work really, because all the programs are under control/in process, so I got to leave early, go to the gym, etc. The jeans are currently hanging on the wall, next to the grass skirt. They are decorating the wall.

I have been thinking about the idea of Georgetown vs. Binghamton, in terms of my life now compared to where it was 2 years ago, when I was deciding amongst schools. For one, I would like to say that Binghamton was definitely the right choice for me, I really like it, and feel completely comfortable and happy with the things I have done there, and how my life in general has evolved. The thing is, Binghamton lacks a challenge. I push myself hard at school and with making friends, and not to say that I don't get stressed out  (because I definitely do), it is just that I understand the people, the mindset, the thought processes, how to get good grades, etc and I am used to it. I am used to being able to go through school and not really question my core values. Because at a sizeable NY state school, which is located in a small city similar to the one I grew up in, I am comfortable. Not to say that comfort isn't good, but here at Georgetown I feel like I am studying abroad in my own country. Well, it really isn't that drastic. But yesterday I was walking down M st, coming back from dinner and I saw a large group of kids walking in a cluster down the street in their polo's and georgetown name tags/folders, and I realized that they must be here for freshman orientation. Which made me think back to my freshman orientation, and realize that, had I been a student at Georgetown 2 summers ago, I would have immediately felt out of place, surrounded by preppy rich kids from conservative southern christian homes. Whereas, instead, I immediately felt comfortable at Bing and quickly made two of my best friends at school at orientation, within days. I didn't get into Georgetown, but had I...and had I gone, I would have been assaulted by a rude awakening. Because, even up until this summer, I had the delusion that at age 18, I was still young enough to learn indiscriminately from other people/cultures/ways of life, without making judgements. But watching these college freshman walk down M st, I realized that they already had the arrogant strut, the rich boy mentality even before they entered the main gates on 37th and O st. Something I do not have, and will never have, and don't particularly want to have. And to them, they probably immediately feel comfortable at Georgetown. They have been groomed for it. I don't know. I like to say that I embrace challenges and new things, I don't think I do as much as I say that I do. But I think the real thing is that I don't like to be bored. I like to talk/listen to engaged smart people being passionate more than apathetic. Apathy, I think is the main problem with Binghamton. At least I haven't found people who talk endlessly about some issue in a way that gets me inspired to do something about it too. I like current events to casually slip into conversations, so that people around me can teach me something that I don't know. I don't like not getting the highest grade in the class, but I am willing to sacrifice that to learn something exciting/interesting/intriguing. So much of my present identity has revolved around being labeled "smart," which makes it difficult for me when I do not receive the best grades, or when I find out that other people have been doing better than me. But I need to keep reiterating to myself that grades are just numbers, and that if I can't remember my SAT scores now, then I probably won't ever really need to know them again. My character traits, strengths, weaknesses, experiences, stories, friends, family, etc etc...that is the stuff that is really important to who I am, not where I go to school, my gpa or how many important people that I know.

The summer is going by really fast. And I think I have acclamated to the Georgetown lifestyle a little more than I expected to at the beginning of June when I got here. We'll see how it all pans out.

Currently Listening Start Static By Sugarcult see related

This is where I come from. This is where I am going. This is where I am now. Take it or leave it, just know that I can't change who I am. Although I may change...with time. And if I am not who you think I am, then I guess I am sorry. But sometimes I don't even know who I am, and I am the only person who knows exactly what it is like to be me. If that makes sense. Sometimes thinking makes things worse, other times it makes it better. It is funny because this afternoon I was sitting in the apartment by myself for a while, and I was studying/thinking about things, and I didn't even realize how quiet it was. And when I did, as I sat at the Kitchen Table, the silence seemed really loud.

Expectations are a weird thing. Anticipation and imagination fuse together to create ideas of what might happen in the future. And I would like to say that I came to DC with a specific idea of what I wanted to get out of it, but I didn't. That might have made it easier...so that I could have a certain goal to pursue, and to work on throughout the summer. Instead, I am trying to figure it out as I go. When I am at school, I get so consumed in schoolwork, friends, activities, etc that it seems like I have no time to figure things out. Summer is usually the more contemplative time. Or maybe just being surrounded with an entirely new group of people makes you reevaluate who you are. It is like the "reinventing yourself" thing, except that you aren't changing who you are, you are just able to see the new/contemporary perception of yourself, as seen through other people. Its like when you measure yourself against the wall, and you can't tell that you are taller, until you measure yourself again.

I am learning a lot about politics, economics, different viewpoints which I don't necessarily agree with, other people. Finding good places to eat around my work. Crossing things off of the "fun to do list" Balancing work and school and fun. Having spent last summer in Montreal, I have something to compare this (living in a city) with. But now, I am more grounded: busy with work, not so much a tourist/find every fun thing possible to do, more like figure out how to do lots of cool things while still taking my job/program/classes seriously.

I don't really know what I have learned about life/myself yet. I guess it will come later...maybe after I leave, and can evaluate it from some sort of distance. We'll see.